A thousand tears have fallen

Fri, 13 Jun 2008 13:23:32 GMT

so the last time i wrote in this was about a month after elise and i broke up. heh. its going on almost 7 months now that we have been apart. and you know the fucked up part about it....i still love her.

but i have finally let her go.

it was for the best.

i was destroying myself by holding on. and she didnt seem to care. so what was the point. so finally i just let go. still cant force myself to get into a relationship. hell i dont even like anyone. this is insane for me. but then again...i did the same thing with shawna. and i did truely love her the way i loved elise. and that heart ache...is the WORST.

but what do you do?! i guess in reality i am more so thinking of the other ppl in the situation. i dont want to hurt them. so i save myself as well as them. eh oh well.

okay well here i am off to go home :D

Sun, 13 Jan 2008 01:02:21 GMT

she thinks she knows. she has no idea.

if only she would know...

forever i shall wait for her...whether she likes it or not.

Tue, 05 Jun 2007 08:52:26 GMT

well...in one week exactly...she will finally be here. She will be in my world. She will see my things. Very exciting. These couple weeks have flown by. I am very happy that they did fly by.

Now lets just hope that the next 7 days go by just as fast.

Wed, 16 May 2007 09:40:23 GMT

How can one person do what she does to me?!

its FUCKINIG AMAZING!!!

I am so incredibly happy. everything else could go to shit....oh wait....

it has

but her being there...talking to me...laughing and crying with me...just knowing shes there...is something so amazing. And she can communicate...which is something i am not use to. Most people run from that word. She embraces it. And because of that...we will work.

28 days...and she will be in my arms for 2 weeks. what could be better than that?! *thinks*

nothing!

Thu, 10 May 2007 11:15:23 GMT

LIfe is grand...

I have a girl that blows my mind in every way...a best friend who...i love with all my heart and soul

things may not be the best..but i sure am making the best of it!!!!!

I see her every nite on cam...i hear her voice..and it continues to blow me away. As i sit there and watch her face light up...just from the sight of me...really...warms me in every way. i dont think i have ever seen in anyone what i see in her face when she watches me. We could sit there and do absolutely nothing...but have each other up on our computer screens...and be completely happy. That right there says something. When i hear her voice..it just...makes everything okay. She has the sexiest voice i have heard. When i got to hear it in person..i swear i didnt want her to ever stop talking to me. When i got to look directly into her eyes...her green eyes...wow...just wow. I see myself with her...and thats something that is good. I am always too scared to get too close to anyone. Afraid that i will get too close and let down. too close and hurt. And i just couldnt help it with her. Is this love?!

Sure is!!!

And i can not wait until i am in her arms every single day....and every single night. She completes me. we are each others inspiration..and that is just something amazing. Not many people can come close to inspiring me. but she does. just by being her.

Tue, 08 May 2007 21:15:17 GMT

So im sitting here at amandas...just looking around..thinking...and even tho everything happened the way it did yesterday...i cant help but feel happy...and content...yea things arent the way the were when i was at nikki's. i had my own room there...cable...my own space. here i do not. im sleeping on the couch...and such. BUT...im alot happier. grant and amanda are constantly interacting with me. its nice. and i have a baby to keep me entertained. im just going to get everything rolling...get 2 jobs...work my ass off...save all my money....and then when the time is right...im moving west to be with her. that is all i see now. and now that i am happier here...i can start moving forward with plans for the future. i have nothing holding me back...clouding my sight of what needs to be done.

on a lighter note..it was funny...amanda and i died laughing..we were sitting on the couch...grant was standing over their baby being goofy...and caleb was looking right up at grant...and grant intentionally scared him..it wasnt harsh...but it was hilarious. because the whole time caleb was watching grant..and when grant scared him...he jumped...flung his arms in the air..it was so funny to see...

I do miss her. This is hard. Not seeing her the way i was able to. But i know in the end its all going to be worth it. I just hope she doesnt get discouraged and falls behind. I trust that she wont..but its a fear. I want this to work between us. It has to work between us. I see nothing else but her. How could it be that someone could become something so important in my life so fast. How is that even possible?! especially with me. i dont know. but im not going to question it. im just going to go with it...and enjoy every second of it. She is amazing. She has me in every way. She has inspired me in so many ways. and keeps inspiring me every single day.

Mon, 07 May 2007 10:37:09 GMT

i need her like i have never needed anything in my life.

i hope she understands exactly what she is in my life. she isnt just my friend, my lover...she is what completes me. She is the other part of me. I was able to function without her before...but now i do not think that is possible. How did it ever get to the point that i need her that much?

Love is a funny thing. Love is something i never thought to feel again. not like this. not this strong. i can still taste her on my lips. if i close my eyes and think hard enough...i can still feel her lips pressed against mine. her tounge gently caressing my lips like she loves to do.

i cant stand to be here. i need to be there...with her. I have nothing here. I have everything there. Everyone i thought i could call a friend...has shown me theyy are nothing. And i know im going to lose my mind here. It needs to be a year already. so i can be there...with her.

i have not just fallen for her...i AM in love with her. I know this..because i feel it. I see it.

Tue, 01 May 2007 20:29:56 GMT

okay...so what do i begin with? life with elise....or...the bullshit that is going on with eric.

the sad part is...as long as im around her...the shit he has been saying to me...or doing to me today...means nothing. there is a small part of me that wants to cry...for fear that i fucked everything up...but then i picture her smiling face...and what it feels like to be in her arms...and that feeling goes away. he doesnt even seem to care anymore. he was getting stupid with me on the phone. its like he doesnt care if i come back or not. hell if i knew alot of ppl out here...i would stay with someone...get my shit straight...and never go back to that shit hole ever again. never deal with thoes assholes. eric had the NERVE to ask me....why i had moved elise up to my number 3 spot on myspace...and he didnt move. hes known me for 13 years and she hasnt known me that long..maybe 3 months. im like...can you be any more childish? seriously. i couldnt believe he asked me that stupid shit. hes like i know myspace is a place to rate your friendships. i was like...after 13 years...and you need myspace to tell you where you rate with me...fuck you!!!! i cant deal with these people anymore. i dont know what to do anymore. i doubt i have a place to live anymore. so who knows what i will do. *sigh* but i dont care. this was worth it. oh yea...AND ray is getting rid of my cats today. so everything just fucking SUCKS!!!!!! but yet....she is keeping that smile on my face.

why must things be so hard

Mon, 30 Apr 2007 02:47:08 GMT

I have spent the past couple days with elise. they have been incredible. I just dont even know what to do with myself anymore. i am afraid to leave...afraid that everything will just....stop. She told me that she doesnt want to go home because of the fact that here, she has her freedom, here she found out who she was...or is still discovering herself...back home...its like everything will be put on hold. what if this will be...and what if its put on hold so long...that she does forget...or its put on hold...and someone else comes by and sweeps her off her feet?! well if that happens...i cant be upset...after all...i do want her happy. No matter who its with. She has got to be one of the most incredible people i have encountered. She is real...and honest. and you dont find that hardly anymore. And i am afraid that...once i leave...that will be it. I guess i should understand that tho...i mean we both have talked about this. and we both knew the things we knew before it got too deep. but i guess....deep down inside i have been tellin myself the whole time...thats not how i want it to be...i want it to be more. i want her. i want to be the one that makes her happy. the one that shows her allll the adventure she could possibly handle in one lifetime. i want to be that one that puts that gorgeous smile on her face. she was afraid that comin to see her...would basically cause me more harm in the end. Yea...i told her not to worry about it...because it wouldnt. i could detach myself enough for it to be okay. but i knew that wasnt true. but i couldnt tell her that. this is something that i wanted to xperience. i would wrather live a 100 years in pain from missing her every day...then going 100 years never getting that chance to experience what i experienced this weekend.

Fri, 18 Nov 2005 05:32:46 GMT

::sigh:: so yea...i think..well i dont think...i know...after this weekend im spending with nyky...she will be mine...alllll mine. she basically asked me tonite..but took it back..saying she wanted to wait...which is best...i really hope this works. she really makes me feel good...yea im skeptic and such...but i have faith in her..although...i had faith in shawna..and i found out she has lied to me for a year and a half...so what does faith have anything to do with anything...but...im gunna give her the benifit of the doubt...and just keep my fingers crossed...and hope it goes for the best.

Shawna imed me today...and sent me some stupid lyrics. i wish she would just leave me alone. i do so much better and *BOOM* she calls or she texts or she ims me and everything i worked so hard for goes to shit. im always gunna care for her...thats the part that sucks...ill never go back to her...ever...she already fucked that all to hell. but forgetting someone you loved is like forgetting someone you never knew...or as the quote goes...and as long as i dont have to see her, talk to her or anything like that...i can move on with my life. *sigh* i just dont know. im going up there after i see nyky to give her, her stuff back and to get the rest of mine...and im telling her right there...once i leave today...never contact me ever again. Im closing that door to her...and its to never be reopened. And i will walk away and that will be that...yea itll hurt...but what will i miss??? nothing?! because the person that i thought i loved...i dont know who she really is. The shawna i thought i knew doesnt even exist. So why do this to myself? easy answer...i wont. well yea so thats that....

w00t w00t

Mon, 17 Oct 2005 18:55:18 GMT

in this entry are gunna be some pictures..just ones that me n shawna took this past weekend..goofing off and such..but i got my actual pictures back saturday..and i forgot that the ones i took out at the river w. brooke and them are on the roll im using now...the ones ill post are from a bunch of other things..they are still really good...but here are the ones we took recently...

this one is great..i absolutely love the expression on her face...

this one is more chill than the other

this one is cute

hahaha ignore that we are nakie

woo woo drinking water nakie <3

heheh thats all for now. Prolly tonite or tomorrow ill update the other pictures.

i had a pretty chill weekend. I didnt have to work..shawna did saturday..but she got off for sunday..that was great. Saturday we came back to winchester to see my brother and suzanne. We all went to western Steere and ate the all u can eat buffet..i had a plate full..and all i ate was some macaroni n cheeze..that was it. I dont know where my appetite went to. Then we all went to the mall..and shawna and i started shopping for her sisters baby shower. We got some really cute things. Then after that we met tiffany and her friend out at walmart..so she could meet shawna...then we all met back up and went to this kickass haunted house saturday nite. It was completely kickass!!! $8 but it was worth it. I would have liked it if the people jumped out and screamed more than they did... i mean they had the technology most haunted houses dont have..so they made up for that there. Then we went back to shawnas. I ended up picking up a new wiring kit for my system..to see if I could fix it myself..im tired of waiting around for these ppl that keep standing us up..who say they will check it out. fuck it..ill do it myself. So most of sunday i was out there working on my car. I had to basically rewire the whole thing..that was interesting..considering i never knew how to do anything like that..well..now i do..so if anyone ever needs their shit hooked up..i know how to do it :) Well i kept trying and kept trying..and nothing seemed to work. Shawna gave me this knife to use so i could strip some wire..well its a filaing (sp) knife..meaning its a sharp ass knife...well what does mandy do? anyone who knows me..knows i dont have to finish this sentence...yes yes..i sliced the fuck out of my finger...not just in one place..but two places. it didnt even hurt...i just kept working..and happened to look at my hand for something..and i had blood everywhere...i just looked at shawna and was like i need a paper towel...she knew it would happen. But i looked at it..not thinking it was that bad...it cut..i dont even know how many layers through...but you could pull apart the layers and see inside my thumb..i think i need stitches...but im too stubborn (and scared) to get stitches..so i just kept working. nothing on it..just dry the blood up when needed..but ill tell ya..i shoulda had something over it while i got all dirty..shawna enjoyed torturing me...she drug me upstairs and opened my thumb up and poured peroxide in it...some may think peroxide doesnt sting...WRONG!!! that shit burns like a mother fucker!!! So we wrapped it up in gauze...and i went to walmart to look for butterfly stitches..couldnt find any so we got this band aid shit that had ointment on it. Well i wore that all nite till today..i took it off..and that has caused more harm than good...cuz where i cut it down towards the bottom of both cuts..they meet..and the skin seperating the two wounds..is coming up..its a huge piece of skin that hurts...so i took that bitch off and wrapped it in gauze again. Its right on the crease of my thumb...this is gunna suck as the healing process begins. And i bowl tonite..doubt ill be able to finish all my games...its right on my right hand...so yea...but on a better note..i got my system working again! yay..go me!!! oh yea! so i dont care if i almost lost my thumb...i got my shit thumping again! i just sit in my car and smile now :) so yea..that was my interesting weekend. Now its back to the norm..*sigh* but shawna is coming to see me wednesday...she is getting out of school for some college thing..and shes looking at lord fairfax here in town..so she is meeting up with me and we are going to lunch. im so happy! alright i had better get back to work..till next time...

oh..i almost forgot 2 and a half days and counting...no cigerette for mandy..or even shawna..yes thats right..we are quitting..and for all you doubters out there...suck my ass...its going to work this time :) with what happened to my mom and grandma..scared me...hell even both of them quit...and i have a feeling its going to stick this time...so heres hoping :)

boredom sux ass

Fri, 14 Oct 2005 18:01:50 GMT

one thing i hate about fridays...they go so damn slow. Well usually they dont...i usually have more work than i have today. So i have to space out all my work all day *which isnt alot* and plus i have to work tonite till 930...so i know since im having a long day now..its going to carry over to a long nite. Stormi called me..ha go figure. she hasnt spoken to me in almost 2 months...she was pissed at me...which was completely stupid to begin with..but i wasnt going to fight with her..so i just walked away and let her be...but she actually got ahold of me the other day..just out of the blue started talking to me...and then she called me at lunch time. I got to admit...it was very nice to hear her voice again. Its been awhile. I absolutely hate fighting with her. But she wants me to stop by ashlees after work to see her for a minute. Which ill do that. Hopefully ill get out of work kinda early so i wont have to be rushed. im so ready for this weekend to be here already. Found out saturday nite we are going to this haunted house thats in town..should be fun. Its kinda out in BFE but by the sound of it, it sounds cool. Moms excited to do it. Nice family thing. And saturday before we do that shawna and myself have to go and go shopping for her sisters baby shower thats coming up. Im excited about that too. Shawna is trying to get off for sunday..so hopefully that will go through. Welp..thats all for now. Hopefully by monday ill have new pictures for everyone to look at. I have had this roll of film...goodness..forever..it has the time when my girls Jen and melissa came from phily...when me stormi and shawna went to the beach and when i came up to see brooke...when brooke, julie shawna and myself went out to the river...i should have had them last nite..but walmarts stupid machine broke down..and i cant get them til saturday. So im looking forward to that too :) Alright i need to get back to all my work...*sigh

yep..another one

Wed, 12 Oct 2005 20:22:26 GMT

yes yes another update. Sorry i just couldnt help myself. Ive been sitting here just thinking about things. I actually went back in my journal..from a little over a year ago...back to when i just met shawna. Damn..we have come a long way. But its funny because everything i described in that first entry about her...still fits to how i feel about her to a T. She is an amazing girl. And i know im the luckiest girl alive to have found someone like her. I know i dont deserve her. She deserves so much better...but if she wants to stay with me..if she loves me and only me..then i wont question her at all. Its been a year and 4 months on tuesday that ive been with her...and that girl still drives me completely insane..in a good way of course...now we have reached that "comfortable" zone with each other. But thats good just the same. There are no nervousness between us...anything that needs to be said...lol..will DEFINATELY be said. We keep nothing back anymore. We have worked out the kinks that came along..and there is nothing but smooth sailing. Now watch since i said that we have some huge fight tonite. But even when we do fight...i know it isnt the end of the world. We fight..we yell and scream..then we cry..then we make up..and we are better than ever all over again. I always thought i understood love...that i knew what love was..i was so young...i had no clue. Because when i look at shawna...thats love...it never exsisted before in my body..before shawna came into my life. There was something for others...but not love..not like this. It must be love...because i could NEVER hold onto a relationship for more than a couple months. Id get bored. My eyes would start to wonder...and then eventually i found a reason to leave them. I always started feeling trapted when i was with everyone else. But with shawna...ive been with her well over a year...and not once have i felt trapted...not once have i been bored with her or anything we do...not once have i sat back and thought to myself "man...i need someone new...or...i want out" Hell...ive given up my life to please her. I have traveled up to harrisonburg every single weekend just to see her. I even got myself a 2nd job just so her and i can get our own place together. We are engaged...and not once have i sat and thought about all this im doing..and freaked. It still gives me butterflies to think that she is the one i am going to spend the rest of my life with. she is my life. without her...i am nothing. She always says that our love is "a one nite stand that lasts a lifetime" i really think she hit the nail on the head with that one. okay sorry i was feeling like i had to share what has been going through my head.

whatever

Wed, 12 Oct 2005 18:05:09 GMT

thank goodness that this is already wednesday! This week has actually flew by. Im pretty thankful for that. Im siked cuz i do not have to work all weekend. Unfortuanetly shawna does. Shes got a fucked up schedule on sunday. She works from like 8-12 really upsets me. But what do i know..ill be sleeping while she is at work...when she comes home ill be still fast asleep. I just hope she will crawl into bed and snuggle with me when she gets home from work until like 2 or so. Saturday she has to work..but only till 2. And im siked cuz my brother and his girl are coming down for the weekend. So ill see them. Its been awhile. I have no clue what we will be doing though. I know we are going to Golden Corral to eat. But after that im not sure.

This week so far has been decent. Mom and preston have been at it. Preston is acting like since derek isnt living at home..she should have no contact with him what so ever. Which was the same thing he did to me n josh with mom. I dont undertsand why he hates us so much. If we are or were so much of a burdon...then why did he stay around? It seems he only did it so he would have something to bitch about as he grew older. I could never imagine treating shawna like that...hell or anyone for that matter. Telling her she couldnt speak to her own children. If anyone ever said that shit to me...i know their shit would be packed and they would be out that door in a heartbeat. My family is my life..and noone comes in between me and my family. If they try...well lol they wont be with me for very long. Unless your a child its wrong to control someones life the way ive seen some people do. It irks me. I mean it makes me want to scream at the person doing the controling..."they dont control you...what gives you any fucking grounds to tell them what to do" but i keep my two cents to myself. Cuz i know if i open my mouth...that wont come out...alot of not nice things will come out. So im learning to keep my mouth shut. I just dont understand my stepdad. My mom has been a good woman to him...why the hell does he treat her like this? I just wish she really would leave him. I dont know..it just kills me while i sit here and watch this shit happen over and over and over again. Knowing there is something i can do..but mom wont let me do it. But i guess its better that way. Mom needs to fight her own battles. But shes been losing this one for 13 years now. Its time someone else helped her along the way. But im sure she will grow her balls and do what needs to be done. Maybe not now..but eventually. *sigh* alright i need to get to work.

yaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn

Mon, 10 Oct 2005 18:42:47 GMT

another monday..bluh..at least this monday i went to work *shrugs* i would have loved to stay with shawna an xtra day. Especially with the nite we had last nite. Wasnt the best. We fell asleep around 1030ish on seperate sides of the bed..not touching...and stayed like that till we woke up. Im not going to go into detail about what happened. This is the 2nd sunday shit went down...and i just wish that it stops. I hate going to bed the way we did last nite. *sigh* oh well.
This weekend was pretty chill i guess. I worked friday nite. Had a blast. Tiffany and Jenna worked. We always have fun when we all work together. Saturday i was suppose to work...but i just couldnt fathom the fact that i had to work all weekend...so i said fuck it and called in. i dont care. i never have to work sundays. but they had me scheduled from 2-9. hahahaha i quickly changed that too. People will NOT take advantage of me. I tell them what i can work...you dont hire me and say okay thats fine that you can only work these days..and try to eventually squeeze in that im working the days i said i couldnt. I put my foot down real quick. So yea..me n shawna slept in till 2. She got up and went and got her hair cut. We then later that nite went to this haunted house called...damn..i cant remember what its called. Something mannor...i duno but it was cool. It was $7 to get in..but it was decent. Then we went home and watched amityville horror...omg..that was a kickass movie. i jumped a couple times...but what made it more interesting was the fact that something like that actually happened. They actually used the names of the people who were slaughtered in that house in the actual movie. And they made the house look similar to the real one. It was just awesome! After that we went to bed...we both had to work sunday. And sunday i have decided im quitting Penneys. Its bullshit. I found out they are hiring new ppl and they get started out at $7.50 and after their probationary time is up they get a raise of $1.50 more. And we get stuck at what they told us upon hiring. So im going to go try at walmart. they start out at 9.50. Thats more than what i make here at the doctors office. So why not. anything is better than penneys. So yea. and that was my weekend. not the greatest...but oh well. This saturday my brother josh and his girlfriend are coming to visit. I have saturday off..shawna works till 2...then we are coming back to winchester and hanging out with them. That should be fun. So yea...that be that.

another day

Thu, 06 Oct 2005 16:03:19 GMT

Well things have been okay. Besides me still being sick..everything is normal. Although i almost went postal at work last nite. I guess everything kind of caught up with me last nite and i almost had a break down a couple times. And it didnt help when i looked at the schedule jim has me working this sunday from 2-9. We only stay open till 6 on sundays...but we have this big VIP sale. But i told him when i was hired i couldnt work nites on the weekend. so i was flipping..cuz i didnt know when id be able to tell him i couldnt do that. i would be able to come in from 11-4 but no later..and definately no earlier. Then Lucinda the manager last nite..she had an attitude..and she said something to me n josh last nite..and i almost ripped her a new ass. I knew i needed to get out of there..cuz if someone looked at me the wrong way i was going to flip on them. so i went out took a pill to calm my nerves and smoked a cigerette...and i came back in and i was okay. And the rest of the nite was okay. I woke up this morning feeling even more like shit...but if thats the worst that will happen for awhile..i can handle that. So yea..and that is that. Well i had better get back to work..at least i have off tonite..i get my hair cut..and im going out with mom...yay!! So that makes me happy. Oh oh oh and i may be able to take my brothers snake off his hands. since he isnt coming back..there is noone to take care of it. So i told mom i would. Shes thinking about it. I dont know why shes thinking of it. She already said he isnt taking it with him..and preston and mom dont want it..so who would take care of it?! well me of course. ive been wanting that snake since he got it...and now i may have it. that makes me happy. Alright..i gotta get going...

what a fucking couple of weeks

Wed, 05 Oct 2005 18:36:58 GMT

yea well...hopefully i can go the rest of the week WITHOUT anymore bad news. I got a call yesterday from my grandma saying she was going to the ER. She has been having these chest pains forever. She talked to her doctor and he told her to go to the ER right away. Well i went an found my mom and told her and we went up to see how she was doing. I hated seeing her in that bed. She was all hooked up to different machines and everything..it gave me a flashback to my moms visit. Well we talked to this guy nurse..he said her EKG came back normal and such. He also said that he heard some fluid around her lungs and more than likely there would be some around her heart. They were talking about Congestive Heart Failure...Well i had to get back to work and my grandmas sister said she would call me when she found out what was going on. Well around 3ish yesterday she called me and told me that grandma had a heart attack in the hospital...and that she was going in to have this cardiac catherzation done...something where they stick a tube through your groin and it goes up to your heart and they can see if there are any blockages and such. Well i left work early and didnt go into Penneys...mom and i went to the hospital. We sat there from 5:45 til 8:00 finally they were done and we talked to teh doctor...he said that she had 2 really big blockages. The one wouldnt do any damage..but if they would have left the other go too long..it could have caused a serious heart attack. But they put stints in and he said she was doing better. So we got to go in and see her. It was nice to see her. But good thing is she got to go home today. I talked to her and she seems to be back to her normal self...but im tellin you..i dont know how much more bad news i can handle. I kept having little break downs yesterday. Both mom and i were. It was really sad. But now hopefully things will get a little bit better. But time will tell.

what the fucking fuck

Tue, 04 Oct 2005 18:16:35 GMT

Really..honestly..im not quite sure how much more i can take. With all the shit that has been going on with my brother and my mom...now...my grandma is in the hospital...they think she has congestive heart failure. Emotionally...im breaking apart.

picture time...

Tue, 04 Oct 2005 15:05:24 GMT

:) i love that smile

gahhh do i need say more?!

god if you only knew how i feel

heheh goobs we are

uuuh...uh huh...

this is my absolute favorite

you may think i look completely retarded..but i was trying to eat her ear ^_^

*happy sigh*

sometimes i really wonder about her

ya see what i mean <3

Okay and that be that. Love the pictures. Oh oh oh oh...we got our rings yesterday! woo hoo!!!!! ill have to take pics of both of ours and post them. They are so gorgeous. yea i cant say this weekend was one of the bests..it was suppose to be kickass. But...it wasnt. I duno..i guess i just had enough of everyone. I have all the shit im dealing with at home...now preston turned dereks phone off..and stole money out of dereks account to pay for the phone and such...behind our backs...while mom was still in the hospital. Derek is gone and not coming back..moms leaving preston...its just so frustrating...i didnt go to brookes..i snapped on her. I guess i just had enough with everything and just blew up. I dont "hate" anyone...i just got fed up with where everything was going..it was stressing me out...and i just snapped and called the whole thing off. Better off though..i got really sick this weekend. So im glad i just got to stay in with shawna and do nothing. We rented a bunch of movies and watched them..and just cuddled on the couch..and slept in late oh yea it was wonderful. Friday we both passed out cuddled on the couch till about 5 saturday morning. I dont know. Things lately have just been getting REALLY fucked up. But i will not back down to anyone. i will stand my ground. With things at home..ive been snappy. ive tried not to be. but ive just got way to much stress thrown at me at one time...so i ask everyone in advance..please forgive me. I dont know. Well i need to get back to work so...till next time.

Fri, 30 Sep 2005 20:30:59 GMT

man..fuck this..fuck it all! its all gone to hell in a hand basket...im not dealin with it.

sometimes life is nothing but BULLSHIT

Fri, 30 Sep 2005 14:47:14 GMT

these past couple days have sucked really bad. There has been constant fighting at my house...wednesday nite my step dad..the dick he is..kicked my brother out of the house. Just so much fucking drama. Then Thursday morning...i was talking to mom for a bit...shes wanting to get a 3 bedroom apartment and get the fuck out..but we just have to figure whats going on. So i go on to work..i wasnt at work more than 15 minutes. My mom calls me up asking me if i can take her to urgent care...she didnt feel stable enough to drive herself...she was having these really bad pains. So i left work in a flash and went to the house. By the time i got there...the pains stopped..but i insisted that she still go to urgent care...so she checked herself in...they did an EKG on her...the doctor came back in and said she was having a heart attack. So they put her in an ambulance and rushed her to the hospital. I had to follow along and such. Well i got to the ER and we sat in her room for i think 5 hours yesterday. i mean the pains and such stopped..so they were just going to do tests and see what was going on. Cuz her EKG came back abnormal. Something is wrong with her heart. Finally they took her into a room and such. Well my step dad had the NERVE to come to the hospital..and do nothing but yell and bitch at my mom in the fucking hospital...while she was laying on bed after just having a heart attack. He did nothing but bitch to her about derek. told her derek is not welcome in the house ever again and all this shit. But see earlier than that..i had to run home to get changed and pick up some stuff for mom...and preston was there. Mom didnt want me to tell preston where she was...but since he showed up early from work..i had no choice..he asked...so i was like "shes in the hospital" he asked for what and i told him. He fucking rolled his eyes and walked downstairs. I walked behind him with my fists clenched. I was ready to fucking knock him the fuck out. He turned around and was like "you know i wouldnt put it past her to fake something like this just to piss me off" that set me off..and i cut him off...i was like "man fuck that...she didnt do this to PISS you off...she didnt do shit...YOU did. She had an EKG done..and she had a fucking heart attack" his attitude changed completely. So i went out to get in my car and leave..and he came out and started talking to me. He was telling me all this bullshit about how mom never was a mother to us kids..she always pushed us away...onto him. And now she realizes that she fucked up and wants to make ammends with us and be a part of our life. I mean he sat there and bad mouthed my mom and my brother to me. How DARE he tell me...my moms daughter and my brothers sister...whom both of them i love more than life its self...that they are pieces of shit. I just let him vent. But i left..and never told my mom what he said. It would kill her. So that will be something i take to my grave. I guess there are just some things you say..and some things ppl just dont need to know. Im scared to death. They still dont know whats going on. They did a stress test on her today. The cardiologist has to look at it and determine whats going on. and what they will do. They were saying something that they may have to do a heart cathidersation...something where they take something and go from the groin to the heart and look for i guess blockages and damaged stuff. If its damaged they may have to put stints in...they were even saying bypass surger. RAWR!!!!! I did nothing but cry all day yesterday. The past few weeks have just sucked ass. I found out what...2 weeks ago my brother had crohns...and now my mom has a heart attack. This is the 2nd thursday in a row that i spent at the hospital. Once for derek and now for mom. I just wish for once shit could go right. I just want mom to leave preston...take us and get away. Things would be so much better. I mean i want my mom to be happy. But there is no happines in that home. I told mom today that there is a pattern going on. When i hit a certain age..all mom n preston did was fight about me..until he basically pushed me out of the house...after josh hit a certain age...all mom and preston did was fight about josh until he pushed josh out...and now derek is that certain age...and all they do is fight about him...and finally derek is gone...god damnit he better come back. But mom sees it. She realizes it. But now is too late. She should have done something about it after she noticed he pushed josh out after me. Preston hates us. Hes so jealous of us..for whatever reason. He tells us we are who we are because of him...man fuck him. We are who we are because we left home and finally got to xperience life from our own first hand experience..which made us grow up...not him. I dont know...im going to cry..so i need to go.

fuck

Wed, 21 Sep 2005 17:00:30 GMT

i HATE being sick.....

an adventerous nite

Tue, 20 Sep 2005 14:53:06 GMT

*yaaaaaaaaawn* man i had a LATE nite last nite. I didnt get to bed until 130. I got off the phone with shawna...and was planning on going to bed...well my brother came in my room and started talking to me. I needed a cigerette so i was like..come out and smoke with me. He thought about it for a second and was like..i wont smoke but ill come out with you. I got up and told him "i have decided when you have to quit..im going out to get the patch and im quitting with you" he started smiling and was like "awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww" so we go out and sit and talk. I opened up to him. I told him how when mom told me..i cried. I told him im scared that he wont take care of himself. I was like...you are my baby brother...i love you..if anything would ever happen to you...it would kill me. I want you to be fine. I mean we really talked. And he didnt get defensive like i was afraid he would. He sat and listened. But he did say that it scares him when we keep talking about death. I was like i understand. noone wants to have to think of that. But its what can happen if you dont take care of yourself. I told him no matter what..im here for him. If he needs me..ill drop what im doing...and come to him..for whatever it is. He kept saying awwwwwww alot...and thank you. I think he might have started tearing up at one point in time. I mean i was VERY open with him. More than ive EVER been. He looked at me and was like..i feel a hug coming on. So we both smiled...reached over...and held onto each other. I really think i got through to him. Because just yesterday mom told me how derek was getting weird. Which was what i was afraid of. He said he wasnt quitting smoking...or changing his lifestyle...and all that he needed to do. said if he had to stay in the hospital thursday..it was fucking cool. he just had a really weird attitude towards all this. But i think i got thru to him. Mom goes a little too straight forward when she shouldnt...i ease my way into it...i can tell him the same as my mom...but it wont seem like such a heavy load...cuz you have to ease your way into the convo..and tell it without so much weight to it. but i feel better about everything now...knowing that what i said...letting him know i am scared..that he is actually going to try...as long as i am there to help him. Which i will be..all the way. So...yea that just made me nite.
And after all that sappy emotional stuff..we went up to go to bed...we said goodnite...i got on the phone to call shawna...cuz since she was the one who told me i needed to sit him down..cuz he would listen to me..i thought shed be happy to know i did it..and it went well. So im talking to her...and i hear my brother yell FUCK..and come out his room into the bathroom. I didnt pay any attention to it..i wanted to change the convo really quick so he didnt know i was talking about him...so i started to say something else and derek was like "mandy i need you" so i got up and went into the bathroom with him...he turned to me and his face was all bloody...i was like like omg...i told shawna i had to call her back. I sat him down on the toilet and i started looking around in his head...to see basically how deep...i had blood all over me..i didnt care at that point in time..i told him to sit still..i needed to find peroxide or alochol or something. But i forgot mom didnt have any of that. So we decided to run down and wake mom up..thats never plesant with preston...but she came out...and instantly became the nurse and mother she is. We sat him down..and i started to clean the wound...it wasnt that deep...we figured he didnt need stitches because the bleeded slowed down. Lacerations to the head always bleed more than they should. I asked him what he did...he said he was laying in bed..but wasnt laying right so he jumped up to position himself right..and slammed his head into the wall. We both started laughing...he was like "what am i fucking cursed this week or something" i looked down at my hands and seen i had blood all over me..usually im really weird about that...but i looked at him and laughed and was like...see what i go through for you...and he started laughing and aplogized and was like i love you so much. GAHHHHHH god last nite was so fucking great!!! besides derek almost killing himself on his wall...i woke up this morning in a good mood...hahaha derek woke up with one hell of a headache...poor boy. But so far..all is well. So yea..i didnt get my happy ass to bed till 130 almost 2. so im REALLY tired today..and i still have to work tonite...yay...*sigh* ill be happy when i can get to bed tonite. Alright...i need to get going...till next time...

bluh

Mon, 19 Sep 2005 14:27:41 GMT

Yea..well my weekend was pretty kick ass! Me n shawna had a good one on one weekend. I was able to leave work early on friday..so i drove up to her moms *cuz she was spending a little time with her* i didnt let her know i was on my way..i stopped and got a rose...i pulled into the driveway..and knocked on the door. i was hoping shed answer it...but they yelled to just come on in...so that ruined that plan. But i walked in holding the rose...i think it took her a few moments for it to sink in who it was lol. But once it registered she got up and started smiling so beautifully. It made it all worthwhile. Got back to shawnas..and she got me a whole bunch of presents :) She works at Foot Locker..and they had this big sale..plus ontop of her discount..she got some outfits for little to nothing. I got a nice hoodie and a nice pair of sweats the only problem is they are Nike. *gag* but they are hot. A nice pair of adidas shorts and this nice shirt. I was so happy..i love getting clothes. Ive been feeling like shit all week..but friday nite hit me pretty hard. So i went up and went to bed. I didnt go to work on saturday cuz i woke up feeling worse than friday nite. So shawna just told me to sleep. She had to get up and go to work till 4. And damnit i actually slept till 3:55. I got up right around the time she got home. We got dressed...well she was anxious on putting me in these clothes she just got for herself...she thought id look "hot as hell in them" i was a little worried...but i tried them on...and i fell in love with them. the jeans were exactly how ive been wanting. but could never find any. well we got all spiffy and went to the mall. I finally talked her into letting me see the ring she was getting me for xmas. Its beautiful. But we found some cool stuff out and i got this card for the store...i can put both our rings on it..and pay 17.50 a month on it. So we are doing that. but the good thing is we are going in next week...getting the rings we want..having them sent away and sized and such..and hopefully by next week we will have them. I told shawna..the only reason why she was gunna get it by xmas was because that was the only time id have the money upfront. But since we can do it this way...hell yea! I mean we are already engaged. So that made me happy. Then we went to Penneys and i did some shopping. Got 2 pair of jeans...gave shawna the one pair in exchange for the jeans i was wearing at that point in time. Got her 2 shirts and all. Sunday i felt like shit all day. she had to work at foot locker till 530. I got up a little after she left...took a shower put some clothes on and took a mountain dew out to the mall and surprised her with it and me. Again it was that beautiful smile i absolutely love to see. I went back home cuz i was feeling worse than before...but as i sat there..i thought it would be nice to have dinner ready for her when she got home...she couldnt believe it. I was in such a good mood all weekend...even though i was sick. We had a kickass time. I cant wait to go back on friday to see her. Next weekend her dad wont be home alllllllllllllll weekend. him and his girlfriend are going to maryland for some reason. but that doesnt matter...basically he never is at the house on the weekends anyways. Hes always with karan. So yea..that was my weekend. Was decent..no complaints. But i must be mad at brooke for giving me her germs. so...um...damn u brooke lol. Well i had better get back to work.

what a nite

Fri, 16 Sep 2005 14:23:19 GMT

I dont even know. All i know is i went out with my grandma. I usually take her every week to the store. Last nite i had to run to the pet store to get my brothers snake a mouse. I ususally feed him. Well i get home to feed him..and he is moving all around up around the top of the cage. I take everything off and im getting ready to feed him...i had the box that contained the mouse a good bit above the cage...the mother fucking snake lashed out and fucking bit my damn finger. I had blood everywhere and everything. I hurried up and put the lid back and and such. I didnt give a fuck at that point in time. I turned the heat lamp back on...and the fucker lashed out at the light going back on. Mom said its cuz he was hungry...hungry or not..that was my thumb he grabbed ahold of. I seriously thought he broke my finger...thats how much force was used when he lashed out and bit me. My thumb is bruised where he got me. And it hurts. Like the bone hurts. Ill put a pic up...doubt youll be able to see exactly what it looks like..but all i know is it still hurts like a bitch. thats the LAST time i ever feed that fucker. Thats for sure.

u cant really tell from the pic. but my finger around the bites are black n blue. *sigh*

so yea. That was my interesting nite. I think my brother is coming to harrisonburg saturday nite. He may possibly stay with me n shawna. Which is awesome. We are going to this abondanded house near the fairgrounds. I heard its really creepy. Derek is really excited about it...and so am i!! If we cant get in there...theres a couple other houses around we will get in. Im really excited about tomorrow though. Get to go sort of shopping with shawna...being the goofs we are. I know she is going to take me into the jewlery store she has my ring picked out...tell me to look at all the different ones..and see if i can spot the one she picked out on my own..and hopes that i like that...thats just the way shawna is. Saturday will just be fun. Just us. Then i was just informed next weekend we are going to some corn maze with her dad and his girlfriend. She said its huge and you have to solve clues and such in order to find your way out. Seems kinda cool. She said it sounds cheezy..but itll be fun to do with her dad. We never really do anything together like that..and we need to start. Her dad is so cool. Plus this new girlfriend he got...she is really cool and i want to get to know her. For once i actually woke up in a really good mood. Mom came into my room at 10 minutes to 8 dumping my trash. Of course her little dog rascal had to come in. And he always jumps in my bed when he comes upstairs. He always bothers me. But for once i was actually okay with him jumping all over me and licking me. Hes so cute in the mornings...and i guess playing with him has put me in a really good mood. Plus its friday and i get to see my baby. So that makes it all worth it :) Alright i guess i had better get back to work.