A thousand tears have fallen

 so the last time i wrote in this was about a month after elise and i broke up. heh. its going on almost 7 months now that we have been apart. and you know the fucked up part about it....i still love her.

but i have finally let her go.

it was for the best. 

i was destroying myself by holding on. and she didnt seem to care. so what was the point. so finally i just let go. still cant force myself to get into a relationship. hell i dont even like anyone. this is insane for me. but then again...i did the same thing with shawna. and i did truely love her the way i loved elise. and that heart ache...is the WORST. 

but what do you do?! i guess in reality i am more so thinking of the other ppl in the situation. i dont want to hurt them. so i save myself as well as them. eh oh well. 

okay well here i am off to go home :D

she thinks she knows. she has no idea.

if only  she would know...

forever i shall wait for her...whether she likes it or not.

well...in one week exactly...she will finally be here. She will be in my world. She will see my things. Very exciting. These couple weeks have flown by. I am very happy that they did fly by. 

Now lets just hope that the next 7 days go by just as fast. 

How can one person do what she does to me?! 

its FUCKINIG AMAZING!!!

I am so incredibly happy. everything else could go to shit....oh wait....

it has

but her being there...talking to me...laughing and crying with me...just knowing shes there...is something so amazing. And she can communicate...which is something i am not use to. Most people run from that word. She embraces it. And because of that...we will work. 

28 days...and she will be in my arms for 2 weeks. what could be better than that?! *thinks* 

nothing!

LIfe is grand...

I have a girl that blows my mind in every way...a best friend who...i love with all my heart and soul

things may not be the best..but i sure am making the best of it!!!!!

I see her every nite on cam...i hear her voice..and it continues to blow me away. As i sit there and watch her face light up...just from the sight of me...really...warms me in every way. i dont think i have ever seen in anyone what i see in her face when she watches me. We could sit there and do absolutely nothing...but have each other up on our computer screens...and be completely happy. That right there says something. When i hear her voice..it just...makes everything okay. She has the sexiest voice i have heard. When i got to hear it in person..i swear i didnt want her to ever stop talking to me. When i got to look directly into her eyes...her green eyes...wow...just wow. I see myself with her...and thats something that is good. I am always too scared to get too close to anyone. Afraid that i will get too close and let down. too close and hurt. And i just couldnt help it with her. Is this love?! 

Sure is!!!

And i can not wait until i am in her arms every single day....and every single night. She completes me. we are each others inspiration..and that is just something amazing. Not many people can come close to inspiring me. but she does. just by being her.

So im sitting here at amandas...just looking around..thinking...and even tho everything happened the way it did yesterday...i cant help but feel happy...and content...yea things arent the way the were when i was at nikki's. i had my own room there...cable...my own space. here i do not. im sleeping on the couch...and such. BUT...im alot happier. grant and amanda are constantly interacting with me. its nice. and i have a baby to keep me entertained. im just going to get everything rolling...get 2 jobs...work my ass off...save all my money....and then when the time is right...im moving west to be with her. that is all i see now. and now that i am happier here...i can start moving forward with plans for the future. i have nothing holding me back...clouding my sight of what needs to be done. 

on a lighter note..it was funny...amanda and i died laughing..we were sitting on the couch...grant was standing over their baby being goofy...and caleb was looking right up at grant...and grant intentionally scared him..it wasnt harsh...but it was hilarious. because the whole time caleb was watching grant..and when grant scared him...he jumped...flung his arms in the air..it was so funny to see...

I do miss her. This is hard. Not seeing her the way i was able to. But i know in the end its all going to be worth it. I just hope she doesnt get discouraged and falls behind. I trust that she wont..but its a fear. I want this to work between us. It has to work between us. I see nothing else but her. How could it be that someone could become something so important in my life so fast.  How is that even possible?! especially with me. i dont know. but im not going to question it. im just going to go with it...and enjoy every second of it. She is amazing. She has me in every way. She has inspired me in so many ways. and keeps inspiring me every single day.

i need her like i have never needed anything in my life.

i hope she understands exactly what she is in my life. she isnt just my friend, my lover...she is what completes me. She is the other part of me. I was able to function without her before...but now i do not think that is possible. How did it ever get to the point that i need her that much? 

Love is a funny thing. Love is something i never thought to feel again. not like this. not this strong. i can still taste her on my lips. if i close my eyes and think hard enough...i can still feel her lips pressed against mine. her tounge gently caressing my lips like she loves to do. 

i cant stand to be here. i need to be there...with her. I have nothing here. I have everything there. Everyone i thought i could call a friend...has shown me theyy are nothing. And i know im going to lose my mind here. It needs to be a year already. so i can be there...with her. 

i have not just fallen for her...i AM in love with her. I know this..because i feel it. I see it.

okay...so what do i begin with? life with elise....or...the bullshit that is going on with eric.

the sad part is...as long as im around her...the shit he has been saying to me...or doing to me today...means nothing. there is a small part of me that wants to cry...for fear that i fucked everything up...but then i picture her smiling face...and what it feels like to be in her arms...and that feeling goes away. he doesnt even seem to care anymore. he was getting stupid with me on the phone. its like he doesnt care if i come back or not. hell if i knew alot of ppl out here...i would stay with someone...get my shit straight...and never go back to that shit hole ever again. never deal with thoes assholes. eric had the NERVE to ask me....why i had moved elise up to my number 3 spot on myspace...and he didnt move. hes known me for 13 years and she hasnt known me that long..maybe 3 months. im like...can you be any more childish? seriously. i couldnt believe he asked me that stupid shit. hes like i know myspace is a place to rate your friendships. i was like...after 13 years...and you need myspace to tell you where you rate with me...fuck you!!!! i cant deal with these people anymore. i dont know what to do anymore. i doubt i have a place to live anymore. so who knows what i will do. *sigh* but i dont care. this was worth it. oh yea...AND ray is getting rid of my cats today. so everything just fucking SUCKS!!!!!! but yet....she is keeping that smile on my face.

I have spent the past couple days with elise. they have been incredible. I just dont even know what to do with myself anymore. i am afraid to leave...afraid that everything will just....stop. She told me that she doesnt want to go home because of the fact that here, she has her freedom, here she found out who she was...or is still discovering herself...back home...its like everything will be put on hold. what if this will be...and what if its put on hold so long...that she does forget...or its put on hold...and someone else comes by and sweeps her off her feet?! well if that happens...i cant be upset...after all...i do want her happy. No matter who its with. She has got to be one of the most incredible people i have encountered. She is real...and honest. and you dont find that hardly anymore. And i am afraid that...once i leave...that will be it. I guess i should understand that tho...i mean we both have talked about this. and we both knew the things we knew before it got too deep. but i guess....deep down inside i have been tellin myself the whole time...thats not how i want it to be...i want it to be more. i want her.  i want to be the one that makes her happy. the one that shows her allll the adventure she could possibly handle in one lifetime. i want to be that one that puts that gorgeous smile on her face. she was afraid that comin to see her...would basically cause me more harm in the end. Yea...i told her not to worry about it...because it wouldnt. i could detach myself enough for it to be okay. but i knew that wasnt true. but i couldnt tell her that. this is something that i wanted to xperience. i would wrather live a 100 years in pain from missing her every day...then going 100 years never getting that chance to experience what i experienced this weekend.

::sigh:: so yea...i think..well i dont think...i know...after this weekend im spending with nyky...she will be mine...alllll mine. she basically asked me tonite..but took it back..saying she wanted to wait...which is best...i really hope this works. she really makes me feel good...yea im skeptic and such...but i have faith in her..although...i had faith in shawna..and i found out she has lied to me for a year and a half...so what does faith have anything to do with anything...but...im gunna give her the benifit of the doubt...and just keep my fingers crossed...and hope it goes for the best.

Shawna imed me today...and sent me some stupid lyrics. i wish she would just leave me alone. i do so much better and *BOOM* she calls or she texts or she ims me and everything i worked so hard for goes to shit. im always gunna care for her...thats the part that sucks...ill never go back to her...ever...she already fucked that all to hell. but forgetting someone you loved is like forgetting someone you never knew...or as the quote goes...and as long as i dont have to see her, talk to her or anything like that...i can move on with my life. *sigh* i just dont know. im going up there after i see nyky to give her, her stuff back and to get the rest of mine...and im telling her right there...once i leave today...never contact me ever again. Im closing that door to her...and its to never be reopened. And i will walk away and that will be that...yea itll hurt...but what will i miss??? nothing?! because the person that i thought i loved...i dont know who she really is. The shawna i thought i knew doesnt even exist. So why do this to myself? easy answer...i wont. well yea so thats that....

one thing i hate about fridays...they go so damn slow. Well usually they dont...i usually have more work than i have today. So i have to space out all my work all day *which isnt alot* and plus i have to work tonite till 930...so i know since im having a long day now..its going to carry over to a long nite. Stormi called me..ha go figure. she hasnt spoken to me in almost 2 months...she was pissed at me...which was completely stupid to begin with..but i wasnt going to fight with her..so i just walked away and let her be...but she actually got ahold of me the other day..just out of the blue started talking to me...and then she called me at lunch time. I got to admit...it was very nice to hear her voice again. Its been awhile. I absolutely hate fighting with her. But she wants me to stop by ashlees after work to see her for a minute. Which ill do that. Hopefully ill get out of work kinda early so i wont have to be rushed. im so ready for this weekend to be here already. Found out saturday nite we are going to this haunted house thats in town..should be fun. Its kinda out in BFE but by the sound of it, it sounds cool. Moms excited to do it. Nice family thing. And saturday before we do that shawna and myself have to go and go shopping for her sisters baby shower thats coming up. Im excited about that too. Shawna is trying to get off for sunday..so hopefully that will go through. Welp..thats all for now. Hopefully by monday ill have new pictures for everyone to look at. I have had this roll of film...goodness..forever..it has the time when my girls Jen and melissa came from phily...when me stormi and shawna went to the beach and when i came up to see brooke...when brooke, julie shawna and myself went out to the river...i should have had them last nite..but walmarts stupid machine broke down..and i cant get them til saturday. So im looking forward to that too :) Alright i need to get back to all my work...*sigh

another monday..bluh..at least this monday i went to work *shrugs* i would have loved to stay with shawna an xtra day. Especially with the nite we had last nite. Wasnt the best. We fell asleep around 1030ish on seperate sides of the bed..not touching...and stayed like that till we woke up. Im not going to go into detail about what happened. This is the 2nd sunday shit went down...and i just wish that it stops. I hate going to bed the way we did last nite. *sigh* oh well.
This weekend was pretty chill i guess. I worked friday nite. Had a blast. Tiffany and Jenna worked. We always have fun when we all work together. Saturday i was suppose to work...but i just couldnt fathom the fact that i had to work all weekend...so i said fuck it and called in. i dont care. i never have to work sundays. but they had me scheduled from 2-9. hahahaha i quickly changed that too. People will NOT take advantage of me. I tell them what i can work...you dont hire me and say okay thats fine that you can only work these days..and try to eventually squeeze in that im working the days i said i couldnt. I put my foot down real quick. So yea..me n shawna slept in till 2. She got up and went and got her hair cut. We then later that nite went to this haunted house called...damn..i cant remember what its called. Something mannor...i duno but it was cool. It was $7 to get in..but it was decent. Then we went home and watched amityville horror...omg..that was a kickass movie. i jumped a couple times...but what made it more interesting was the fact that something like that actually happened. They actually used the names of the people who were slaughtered in that house in the actual movie. And they made the house look similar to the real one. It was just awesome! After that we went to bed...we both had to work sunday. And sunday i have decided im quitting Penneys. Its bullshit. I found out they are hiring new ppl and they get started out at $7.50 and after their probationary time is up they get a raise of $1.50 more. And we get stuck at what they told us upon hiring. So im going to go try at walmart. they start out at 9.50. Thats more than what i make here at the doctors office. So why not. anything is better than penneys. So yea. and that was my weekend. not the greatest...but oh well. This saturday my brother josh and his girlfriend are coming to visit. I have saturday off..shawna works till 2...then we are coming back to winchester and hanging out with them. That should be fun. So yea...that be that.

Well things have been okay. Besides me still being sick..everything is normal. Although i almost went postal at work last nite. I guess everything kind of caught up with me last nite and i almost had a break down a couple times. And it didnt help when i looked at the schedule jim has me working this sunday from 2-9. We only stay open till 6 on sundays...but we have this big VIP sale. But i told him when i was hired i couldnt work nites on the weekend. so i was flipping..cuz i didnt know when id be able to tell him i couldnt do that. i would be able to come in from 11-4 but no later..and definately no earlier. Then Lucinda the manager last nite..she had an attitude..and she said something to me n josh last nite..and i almost ripped her a new ass. I knew i needed to get out of there..cuz if someone looked at me the wrong way i was going to flip on them. so i went out took a pill to calm my nerves and smoked a cigerette...and i came back in and i was okay. And the rest of the nite was okay. I woke up this morning feeling even more like shit...but if thats the worst that will happen for awhile..i can handle that. So yea..and that is that. Well i had better get back to work..at least i have off tonite..i get my hair cut..and im going out with mom...yay!! So that makes me happy. Oh oh oh and i may be able to take my brothers snake off his hands. since he isnt coming back..there is noone to take care of it. So i told mom i would. Shes thinking about it. I dont know why shes thinking of it. She already said he isnt taking it with him..and preston and mom dont want it..so who would take care of it?! well me of course. ive been wanting that snake since he got it...and now i may have it. that makes me happy. Alright..i gotta get going...

yea well...hopefully i can go the rest of the week WITHOUT anymore bad news. I got a call yesterday from my grandma saying she was going to the ER. She has been having these chest pains forever. She talked to her doctor and he told her to go to the ER right away. Well i went an found my mom and told her and we went up to see how she was doing. I hated seeing her in that bed. She was all hooked up to different machines and everything..it gave me a flashback to my moms visit. Well we talked to this guy nurse..he said her EKG came back normal and such. He also said that he heard some fluid around her lungs and more than likely there would be some around her heart. They were talking about Congestive Heart Failure...Well i had to get back to work and my grandmas sister said she would call me when she found out what was going on. Well around 3ish yesterday she called me and told me that grandma had a heart attack in the hospital...and that she was going in to have this cardiac catherzation done...something where they stick a tube through your groin and it goes up to your heart and they can see if there are any blockages and such. Well i left work early and didnt go into Penneys...mom and i went to the hospital. We sat there from 5:45 til 8:00 finally they were done and we talked to teh doctor...he said that she had 2 really big blockages. The one wouldnt do any damage..but if they would have left the other go too long..it could have caused a serious heart attack. But they put stints in and he said she was doing better. So we got to go in and see her. It was nice to see her. But good thing is she got to go home today. I talked to her and she seems to be back to her normal self...but im tellin you..i dont know how much more bad news i can handle. I kept having little break downs yesterday. Both mom and i were. It was really sad. But now hopefully things will get a little bit better. But time will tell.

Really..honestly..im not quite sure how much more i can take. With all the shit that has been going on with my brother and my mom...now...my grandma is in the hospital...they think she has congestive heart failure. Emotionally...im breaking apart.

:) i love that smile

gahhh do i need say more?!

god if you only knew how i feel

heheh goobs we are

uuuh...uh huh...

this is my absolute favorite

you may think i look completely retarded..but i was trying to eat her ear ^_^

*happy sigh*

sometimes i really wonder about her

ya see what i mean <3

Okay and that be that. Love the pictures. Oh oh oh oh...we got our rings yesterday! woo hoo!!!!! ill have to take pics of both of ours and post them. They are so gorgeous. yea i cant say this weekend was one of the bests..it was suppose to be kickass. But...it wasnt. I duno..i guess i just had enough of everyone. I have all the shit im dealing with at home...now preston turned dereks phone off..and stole money out of dereks account to pay for the phone and such...behind our backs...while mom was still in the hospital. Derek is gone and not coming back..moms leaving preston...its just so frustrating...i didnt go to brookes..i snapped on her. I guess i just had enough with everything and just blew up. I dont "hate" anyone...i just got fed up with where everything was going..it was stressing me out...and i just snapped and called the whole thing off. Better off though..i got really sick this weekend. So im glad i just got to stay in with shawna and do nothing. We rented a bunch of movies and watched them..and just cuddled on the couch..and slept in late oh yea it was wonderful. Friday we both passed out cuddled on the couch till about 5 saturday morning. I dont know. Things lately have just been getting REALLY fucked up. But i will not back down to anyone. i will stand my ground. With things at home..ive been snappy. ive tried not to be. but ive just got way to much stress thrown at me at one time...so i ask everyone in advance..please forgive me. I dont know. Well i need to get back to work so...till next time.

man..fuck this..fuck it all! its all gone to hell in a hand basket...im not dealin with it.